Once when I did some small researches on European military history as a hobby, some funny jokes suddenly appeared in my mind… Well they’re not real jokes because they are all FACTS – however they’re funny so I hope you would enjoy.
Battle of Crecy
Let us start with some French and English hors d’œuvre:
How could the Irish boast that they could beat the English?
They fought alongside with the French, and when the French beated the English, the Irish claimed the victory for themselves.
Fontenoy was the greatest example of that Irish pride.
In which way did the English claim that they were invincible against the French?
They always fought the French alongside with other allies (the Dutch, the Hanoverians, the Prussians, etc) so that they could blame their allies for the defeat. When having to face the French by themselves, they simply withdrew.
Examples: Fontenoy, Steenkirk, Neerwinden
What made the French victorious in their wars?
The French were usually victorious in wars if they were NOT led by a Frenchman, people of French origin. Following are notable examples:
- Napoleon Bonaparte, undisputedly the greatest military leader of France, who led the French to victories against the Austrians, Prussians, Russians, Spaniards, etc… was in fact an Italian of Corsican origin.
- The marshal general and greatest military leader of France before Napoleon was Maurice de Saxe, a (as his surname might imply) German from Saxony, son of the king of Poland.
- Jeanne d’Arc, who defeated the English in the Hundred Years’ War, was neither a Frenchman (she’s a Frenchwoman).
If so, then who is the greatest French military leader?
On the contrary, the greatest military leader of French origin, prince Eugene of Savoy-Carignan (Napoleon was excluded because he was Italian, not French), made up his career in the Imperial (Austrian) army and scored a lot of decisive victories against… France. Eugene and his English contemporary Marlborough were considered France’s most hated foes.
Battle of Custoza
Now comes the entrée, miladies and milords, we hope you would enjoy it:
THE HEROIC MILITARY TRADITION OF ITALY
The most well-known battles in the history of Italy were Italian defeats: Novara, Custoza, Adowa, etc.
Occasionally, when the Italians were victorious, they are usually found fighting alongside with the French (who played a much more important role): Magenta, Solferino, Sebastopol. When despised and abandoned by the French, the Italians turned to the Germans for help to conquer Greece and Egypt and defeated the British at Tobruk and Gazala. Like the Irish, the Italians were inclined to claim their allies’ victories as their own, though not so excessively as the Irish did.
Other well-known battles are mostly fought between Italian states, pitching Italians against Italians: Legnano, Fossalta, Montaperti, Benevento, Milazzo, Gaeta, Volturno, Castelfidardo (numerous of them).
Italian victories against foreign forces, as rare and trivial as they were, were mainly fought by mercenaries and their condottieri. Italians were more excellent merchants than good soldiers, so they usually paid others to fight for them. It was a reasonable calculation though.
In the largest true Italian victory, the naval battle of Lepanto against the Turks, the combined fleet of Italian states (notably Venice and Sicily) was commanded by Don Juan, a Spanish prince. It should be noted that before Lepanto, Italian navies fighting by themselves were constantly defeated by the Turkish fleet, like at Zonchio, Modon, Preveza, Djerba.
Italians had the tradition of, when being vanquished by foreign forces, crowning the conqueror their king, in order to console their defeat. That was how Charlemagne, emperor of the Franks, became king of the Lombards (Italians was called Lombards in early medieval period). Napoleon Bonaparte, emperor of France, was crowned king of Italy for the same reason; the Italians consequently boasted that an emperor in France is only worth a king in Italy. Fortunately for the pride of the Italians, Napoleon was himself an Italian born in Corsica.
The Italians were, however, men of honor. Unlike the English, they did not blame their allies for defeats, for example in El Alamein.
And now is the time for the main course of this banquet:
THE GLORIOUS MILITARY TRADITIONS OF THE EVER-VICTORIOUS PEOPLE OF GREAT ANNAM
The GLORIOUS military traditions of the EVER-VICTORIOUS people of GREAT Annam were very different from those of the frankly coward Italians:
Historically, the Annamese emerged victorious in all wars against the Chinese.
If there “happened” to have a war in which the Annamese lost, Annamese historians simply merged it with the next war, and so on until there came out a war that the Annamese won; all those wars then would be considered as a single war (perhaps with some long, peaceful interludes) in which the Annamese were the ultimate victors.
That explains incredibly prolonged “wars” academically named Twenty Years’ War of Resistance against the Ming (which in fact included three separate wars against Ming forces, a civil clash, and a smaller armed conflict), or Thousand Years’ War of Resistance against Northern Agression (comprised of countless arms conflicts, invasions, rebellions, civil wars, etc from 40 to 938).
They were also victorious against the French.
Obviously the Annamese have learnt that ever-victorious strategy (mentioned above) from the French, who counted four separate medieval wars (they lost three of which) against the English as one single war called the Hundred Years’ War. This strategy became a bitter backlash to the French, who found themselves ultimately defeated by Annamse historians in another Hundred Years’ War from 1858 to 1954 (of which the French won almost all major battles except for the last one at Dien Bien Phu).
The Annamese had defeated strongest military powers in history.
Besides the Chinese and the French, the Annamese boasted to have defeated the Mongols, because they had repulsed two Chinese invasions commanded by some Semu (Western Asians) generals. Similarly, they claimed to have defeated the Manchus due to the fact that they had utterly routed a contigent of Cantonese soldiers and tribal militias, commanded by a Chinese civil official. As there were a large number of Germans in the French Foreign Legion, the Annamese might be considered to have defeated Nazi Germany too.
The Annamese is always a peace-loving nation.
While the Annamese claimed themselves to be peace-loving, they waged wars against all their neighbouring countries and defeated them all, using the same strategy described above.
They usually did not attack distant countries, due to poor communication infrastructure (Road and traffic systems in Annam were traditionally and infamously terrible; the French had attempted to improve the situation a little bit, but as soon as the French left, the stubborn Annamese quickly returned to that much beloved… tradition).
When there was no neighbour left to attack, the Annamese were also fond of fighting each other. In such civil wars, which side would win was not an important issue to concern, since after all the winners would definitely be Annamese.
The Annamese never blamed their allies for defeats because:
- As stated above, they considered themselves to be ever-victorious, so defeated were simply omitted.
- They hardly got any real ally (they waged wars against all potential ones).
Traditional strengths and weaknesses of Annamese military:
- Annamese military traditions did not emphasize siege warfare due to the facts that most of the wars they fought were civil wars and on Annamese soil, where there was almost no real fortress of high defensibility – their construction proved too expensive for such a poor nation. Occasional confrontations with “real” fortifications – for example the Vauban-styled citadel of Saigon built by French engineers – usually rendered the Annamese helpless, who did not know what to do but to starve the besieged inside for some years – or decades.
An exception: Tran Hung Dao was hailed as the genius of siege warfare in the history of Annam, because he was wise enough not to conduct any siege warfare.
- Naval warfare, on the contrary, occupied a place so high in the military traditions of the Annamese, that they never lost any naval battle on high seas – in reality they hardly even reached there.
- Eunuchs played an important role in the military history of the Annamese. Three among four main dynasties of Annam had their most notable generals eunuchs: the Ly had Ly Thuong Kiet, the Le Hoang Ngu Phuc, and the Nguyen Le Van Duyet. The Tran was an exception because they were inclined to commit incestuous affairs and therefore did not like to trust military power to any one outside the royal clan.
